How To Deal With Being Bisexual

Dear Will,

Hi.  I wanna know how to deal with being bi.  Where do you meet other bi guys?  How do you get over the fear of telling someone that you're bi.  I could NEVER tell my friends.  Advice?

Closeted

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Dear Closeted,

Well. I'm not sure what kind of places, if any, are in your area and not sure if you are in a small town or a large city.  But for me, there is a local bar, not a club, where I like to go.  The people are friendly and it's very low key.  I have made several great friends there.  Another thing you may want to try are dating/hook-up apps like Scruff or Grindr.  I know that sounds crazy, but I have made several good friends on there as well.  They are not just for hooking up.  However, if that's what you're looking for. There it is.

As far as telling your friends, who says you have to?  It does make it easier if you are wanting to have a serious long term relationship with another man, but if you're just wanting hook ups then why does anyone have to know.  What goes on in your bedroom is no ones business but your own.  Although, if you do decide to come out to them, if they are true friends they will still be there for you.  Yes, it may seem awkward at first but it will pass.  If something like this causes you to loose a friend, they weren't real friends to begin with.  You have to do what makes you happy.  Having inner peace with yourself is the absolute most important thing. As LGBTQ Royalty "The Queen" RuPaul says, "If You Can't Love Yourself, How In The Hell Are You Gonna Love Somebody Else?"

Welcome to the family.  :-)

Will

Heart Broken

Dear Will,

I have been seeing this guy for the past two months.  He is perfect in every way and everything is going great… That was until today.  Let’s just say the old saying “If something seems too good to be true it probably is” definitely applies here.  Today at lunch he said he needed to tell me something.  He has a boyfriend and they have been together for over a year.  We live in Chicago and the boyfriend lives in Austin, Texas.  Obviously, I’m crushed.  It has been many years since I have allowed myself to develop feelings for someone.  I keep a wall up and don’t let guys get too close, emotionally, in order to keep from getting hurt.  But this time I let my guard down and developed strong feelings for him and felt that he had strong feelings in return. 

He said the relationship between him and the boyfriend isn’t working out.  The distance is too far; they only see each other two to three times a year but talk every day.   I tried to muster up enough strength and humility to remain calm and ask questions about the relationship.  I told him that if he didn’t see a future with this guy he needed to talk to him.  It’s wouldn’t be fair the other guy nor himself.  I couldn’t get through lunch fast enough.  I wanted to get out of there before I broke down and began to cry.

I do still have feelings for him but don’t want to be “the other man” or anyone’s second choice out of convenience.  Also, if he is seeing me while seeing someone else without telling either one of us, what’s to say he won’t see other guys behind my back?

What do I do?

Heart Broken & Confused

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Dear Heart Broken & Confused,

The heart is such a fragile and delicate part of the body.  Not only can it physically be damaged, but emotionally and spiritually bruised and broken.  You must be careful who you give it to.  You’re smart to have “the wall” up but you can’t keep it up forever.  What will happen when Mr. Right comes along and you miss him because your wall was too high?  Love is a gamble and you have to take chances.   Yes, it’s going to hurt from time to time, but it will only make you stronger and wiser. 

As for this guy, step back.  Take some time away from him.  Give him a chance to take care of Mr. Texas.  Wait and see if he does indeed end things with him or if he was just blowing hot air.  Wait a few weeks and see if you still have feelings for him.  In the meantime, go about your daily life as normal.   Who knows, he may end up being Mr. Right, or Mr. Right may come along while you’re waiting to see what transpires.  Keep your chin up and know that none of this is your fault.  I wish you the best and I know you will find your soul mate.  It will happen when it’s supposed to happen.  You must be patient. 

Will

I Know My Son Is Gay. Now What?

Dear Will,

How does a mom let her 18 year old son know she knows he prefers boys?  I've known since he was 5 or 6 years old.

HELP!!!

T.

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Dear T.

This is an easy yet complex situation.  The easiest thing (and probably the best) to do is nothing at all. Just wait and let him tell you when he is ready.  You don't want to run out and buy your PFLAG accessories just yet.  However, with that said, let your feelings be known.  Bring up gay topics and issues in casual conversation so that he knows whether or not you are accepting of a gay son.  If you are, let him know that it's okay for him to come to you about anything.  This reminds me of the episode of Ugly Betty where the family has discovered that Justin is gay.  Hilda decorates the house for a surprise coming out party.  It looked like a bag of skittles exploded in the room.  Don't do that. You'll cause him to undergo years of unnecessary therapy.  

Will

Watch the video -->   Ugly Betty - Justin Comes Out 

+PFLAG National 

Religious Differences

Dear Will,

I am 19 years old and live at home with my very religious parents.  I grew up in the church and have accepted the Lord.  But as I have gotten older I want to look into other religions, to study them, not necessarily to convert to another religion.  But I'd like to look at them all, study them and see which one is the one that I should be a part of.  I know that I'm a Christian and will always be.  But what are the differences between Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Catholic, Non-Denominational, etc.  

My idea is to to go church with different friends and talk to them, learn what I can from first hand experience.  However, my parents and against that.  They believe I should stick with my church and not "stray".  Besides studying the different religions in books, how do I do this and keep my parents happy?

Jason

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Dear Jason, 

You're a very wise young man wanting to learn all that you can.  I believe learning the basics and foundations of each religion is not a bad thing at all.  For example, just because your parents are Baptist doesn't mean that you have to be.  If you feel more comfortable attending a non-denominational church, by all means, attend there.  For the most part, most religions worship the same God.  Your relationship with God is just that... YOURS.  It's between you and the big guy up stairs.  

As far as keeping the parents happy, well, as long as you live in their home you really need to honor their wishes.  However, Sunday morning isn't the only time churches meet.  Attend your family church on Sunday morning, another on Sunday evening and another on Wednesday evening Bible study.  Many churches have gatherings every night of the week. You could also call the church and ask to speak with the minister, set up a meeting with him/her and ask questions.  Have a one on one class to learn all you can.  Any Pastor would be more than happy to meet with you.

Check out this chart Religion Facts: Big Religion Chart it may help you get started.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best.

Will

My Daughter Hates My Boyfriend

Dear Will,

My ex husband and I have been separated for over two years, divorced for one year. We get along great as friends and co parents of our 14 year old daughter, just couldn't make the marriage work any longer.  This past July I met a wonderful man, Tom, and started dating.  It was several months into the relationship before I introduced Tom to my daughter. Immediately my daughter hated him and has done everything she can think of to break us up.  She is rude and difficult when he is around.  She has even told him that my ex and I are getting back together hoping it would cause a fight between the two of us, ending our relationship.  Her goal is to get Tom out of the picture and her father and I back together.

How do I get her to understand that her father and I love each other but are not in love and we both are moving on?

Stressing out,

Julie

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Dear Julie,

First, I'm sorry it has taken me so long to post this one.  I've tried several times to  respond with the best advice possible, and each time I end up starting over not happy with my own answer.   

Your daughter is hurting, wanting both of her parents together under one roof, with her.  She want's the story book family.  Unfortunately, as in many cases, that's not how the cards were dealt.  She is lucky to have two parents who love her very much and get along.  Many kids don't have two parents, and most divorces end up with the parents hating each other causing much emotional pain for the children involved.  She has got to understand that it is natural that you and your ex both will want to pursue other relationships. 

Sit down with her and talk about how she has been acting towards Tom.  Find out if there is more to it, is there another reason she doesn't like him?  Let her know how much she is hurting you with her actions.  Try to get her to agree to give him a chance.  Maybe set up an outing with Tom and your daughter, just the two of them.  This way she can see that he isn't such a bad guy.  If this doesn't work, I'd suggest finding a counselor, someone who specializes in family issues.  I found a group in your area that may help,  +Family Counseling Center 

http://www.fccinc.org

I wish you the best of luck.  Keep me posted.

Will

Does A Long Distance Relationship Work?

Dear Will,

My boyfriend and I have been together for many years.  We started dating in college at UCLA and have since moved to Chicago where we built a wonderful life together.  Last week we found out that his company is relocating him to Paris for six months, possibly a year.  I recently opened my own business which requires my attention 24/7 and if I want my business to succeed I can't go with him to Paris.  He said that if I can't go then he will quit his job (that he loves) and find something else here.  He career is something that he has worked very hard for and I don't want to see him give it up because of me.

I know in my heart that he should go to Paris and we will be fine.  But he is having trouble seeing how it will work.

What do you think?

John & Mark

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Dear John & Mark,

Long distance relationships are hard, yet doable.  In order for a long distance relationship to work you MUST have a solid relationship that is unbreakable and 100% trust in each other.  Without those two things your relationship wont stand a chance.  This is true in any relationship, no matter the distance.  When times get hard just keep telling yourself "it's only 6-12 months".  A year is really not that long.  If you're able, take a trip to Paris and visit once or twice and maybe he can come home to visit a time or two.  Plus, nightly phone calls and/or text messages, Skype, Google+,  Facebook and other social media will make the time and distance a lot less than it really is.

I wish you two the very best.

Together forever,

Never apart,

Maybe in distance,

But never in heart.

Will

Get Up & Get Out

I am 23 and live in Birmingham, AL.  About 3 months ago my parents told me that I had until the end of the year to enroll in school or get a job and start paying rent.  I honestly thought they were just talkin sh$# like they always do.  But on January 1st they kicked me out.  They won't even talk to me about moving back in until I have a job and can pay them rent.  Right now I'm sleeping on a buddies couch, but he says I can only stay for a couple of weeks.  How do I get them to let me move back in with them?

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Um, it seems your parents have made it pretty clear.  GET A JOB!!!

College Decisions

Dear Will.

I have a situation that maybe you can help me with.  I’m 18, a senior in high school and I’ll be graduating this May.  My parents are both accountants and own an accounting firm.  Their plan is for me to go to college to get a degree in accounting and one day take over the business when they retire.  I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but that’s not what I want to do with my life.  I really want to go to college and study architecture.  Should I do what they want since they are paying for college or do I follow my dreams? If so, how do I tell them that accounting isn’t what I want to do with my life?  Any advice would be appreciated.

College Bound

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Dear College Bound.

Deciding what you want to do with your life is a hard decision; I’m still trying to figure that one out for myself.  You must look at all of your options very carefully.  Luckily you have them narrowed down to two options.  If you choose the Accounting rout you’ll have your parents blessing and a guaranteed job after graduation. Plus one day you will own your own business.  That is a something not everyone is guaranteed and a good thing to have.  If you choose Architecture first you’ll need to have “the talk” with your parents.  Just set down and explain that Architecture is your passion and that’s what you see yourself doing in life.  They have to understand that if your heart isn’t in accounting you’re not going to do well in school and I’m sure they only want the best for you.  Untimely the decision is yours to make and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

Will